We both heard the anguished cry coming from the direction of our bathroom. Before I could make a move my husband Tre’ said, “I’m on it,” and strode purposefully to our damsel in distress. Our damsel, Vivianne, had bonked her head on a drawer and was badly in need of some comfort, but as Tre’ attempted to soothe her tears away she screamed in anger, pulled immediately out of his grip and said, “I want momma!”
A small child understandably prefers their momma when they need comfort, but Vivi and our second daughter Evie (15 mo.) seem to prefer momma in all things these days. It’s a great feeling to be loved and wanted. Sometimes it feels like I’m winning some imaginary popularity contest the way I never did in high school. But is this winning?
Having both of them competing for space on my diminishing lap (baby #3 is in there too) while Tre’ sits nearby wanting at least one of them. Or being unable to take a nap to get rid of my hormone headache because I can hear Evie in the next room saying,” Momma, momma, momma…” on repeat. Or when I try to get housework done and Evie just wants to be held and Vivi doesn’t want to go on whatever outing Daddy has planned so she can hover near me.
I love my kids and I don’t regret staying home with them, but I wish they’d give their Dad some credit and buy into what he’s selling too. I don’t know how to get my 4-year-old to understand how good she has it. He’s not second fiddle to me. He’s not second string. He’s sweet, patient and understanding with them in a way my constant interaction with them prevents.
It’s not that he’s never had time with just he and the kids. My husband gave me a writing retreat earlier this summer, took time off work and spent three days with just him and our girls so I could get away, get a little pampered and have some space so my brain and I could get reacquainted. It was lovely and I had no fear that Tre’ could handle them and the household beautifully. In fact, I often think he could do this job better than me.
Without me there the girls do accept him as number 1. When he’s solely in charge he’s empowered to run things his way and the girls get to see him as more than my sidekick. He gets shaken out of whatever role they’ve categorized him in and see him capable of doing all the things their mother can. I came back to a house with folded laundry, clean dishes in the dishwasher and a daughter who’s become proficient in Shoots and Ladders.
Being away from them was good for me too. I worried a little bit about our youngest since this was her first time without mommy. I needed the space. They needed to see that their daddy was an equally in charge parent. Now, this hasn’t solved our preference issues. If I’m in the room both girls want to squish their soft little bodies next to mine. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I just want to load the dishwasher.
But then Tre’ steps up and offers to do it and though it’s vexing to not get to do exactly what I want to do at times. It’s helpful to be doing this parenting thing with someone who knows that all aspects of the job are equally important. Though rotating laundry doesn’t rank up there in terms of memory making as does a tickle fight – it still has to be done. I’m glad to have a partner that sees that, steps up the plate and helps keep this household keep running, whether that’s his preference or not.
Photos courtesy of Kelly Wilbanks and Istock Photo
