One of my closest friends played a cruel, cruel joke on me this year.
She gave my daughter a grossly huge hunk-o-plastic toy for her birthday. Not just your ordinary hunk you can make vanish in the middle of the night. Oh no, she went all out and upped the ante by giving her a Frozen-themed vanity. Not only is this thing HUGE, but it’s brightly colored and it SINGS.
But wait, there’s more. It also has a million pieces between the hair dryer, pretend lipstick, hair barrettes, etc. It is everything I don’t want in my house and everything my daughter adores. This toy is a cruel gift to the mom who will want to smash it with a hammer on the 12th round of “For the First Time in Forever,” and it’s also the first toy my kids run for in the morning.
I love my friend and I love that my daughter loves this perfect gift, but oh do I secretly want to force it to its death by garbage bag and make it go away.
If you’re looking to drive your friends bananas or need a gift for a frenemy’s child, I’ve got you covered. Here are the gifts you’re going to want to get:
1. Bunchems (Amazon, $18.49)
These look like a lot of fun, but in reality they will destroy a child’s hair quickly and viciously. To understand this better you have to read the whole story: Parents beware: Popular toy wreaks havoc on kids’ hair.
2. Kinetic Sand (Amazon, $27.34)
You can find kinetic sand in all different types of kits at different price points. I hate them all. My kids love them all. It’s supposed to stick to itself making it easy to play with and, more importantly, easy to clean up. That is not the case guys. This stuff might work great for an older child, but my 4-year-old and 3-year-old know how to make a mess with the best of them. In case you’re wondering, it takes 16 minutes to completely clean spilled purple kinetic sand off a kitchen floor.
3. Joker Baby Shower Card (Joker Greeting, $10.99)
This isn’t so much for a child as for the parent of an unborn child. This baby shower card will warn a new parent in the cruelest way possible. When you open the card it starts to cry and doesn’t stop for three full hours. I’m covering my ears already.
4. ALEX Toys Little Hands Tissue Paper Art (Amazon, $8.69)
This is a super sneaky cruel gift. It is a really fun project to do together with a small child, but it is not good, not good at all, if you leave said child unattended. This set contains 800, yes 800 small squares of tissue paper that are bound to fly all over your house. We loved the finished product and my son loved making his little fish, but the clean up was killer on this one. You get bonus cruelty points if you find the sets that come with little liquid glue sticks.
5. Disney Frozen Crystal Kingdom Beauty Vanity (Kohl’s, $39.99)
As mentioned above, this bad boy is huge, loud, and annoying.
What kid’s toy would you like to banish from existence?
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