To work, or not to work? That is the question, when you’re a mom. And no matter which path you choose, let it be known: it’s never easy. Not even close. So don’t go there.
Still, working moms and stay-at-home moms have long been pitted against one another. And, the comments that fly back and forth can slip waaaay below the belt, like so far down that they’re pelting you in your pregnancy-induced spider veins. I suspect the viciousness stems from all moms wanting to be “right,” and thinking our way is best. So, we cast judgment upon moms who make different decisions about how to structure their lives.
No matter the motivation, criticism of working moms from SAHMs and vice-versa is certainly nothing new. Yet, when a friend from college, who I’m connected to on Facebook, recently shared what someone said to her, about the fact that she is a working mom… I. Was. Shocked.
Shocked, because it was so judgy, so mean-spirited, so hurtful, so… aghgh!!!!
Deep breath. Okay. Here’s what happened. In an online local moms’ group, the question was posed that if you work, and have a nanny, do you have her drive your car, or do you put car seats in her car, so she can drive the kiddos to school and activities?
My friend, who is a mom of three, including twins, and uses an au pair to help with her kids while she’s at work, offered her two cents about the car seat issue, saying they use their own car. She added that it’s worth considering who would be expected to cover the cost of damages in the event of a fender bender.
That’s when a troll inserted herself into the conversation. “First world problems!” she commented. And then, AND THEN, this awful person wrote that if my friend was so concerned about her kids, she should stay home!
Seriously.
Luckily, others in the group quickly came to my friend’s defense, calling out the troll, and asking her to please obey the rules of the group, which prohibit rudeness. But the damage was already done. Writing on Facebook about the brutal insult, my friend said, “Why do mothers need to shame other mothers? Are we that divided? If I’m ‘that concerned about my kids,’ to care if they are in car sears in my car, I should stay home? Huh?”
Clearly, the person behind this cruel comment was out to troll the group. But do her comments hint at an underlying hostility that really exists, as my friend suggests?
Because as I suggested earlier, it does seem moms are divided into those who work, and those who don’t. It’s often one of the first questions people ask me in a new setting. “Do you work?” And my favorite, favorite thing is that almost everyone, both men and women, assumes I don’t. But that’s an entirely different blog post.
The truth is, my work status falls somewhere in-between; I stay home with my kids, and work.
So, I guess I don’t fully understand either “side” when it comes to working versus stay-at-home moms. What I do understand is how mean moms can be to one another. I wrote about that very topic in a recent post, called “Where’s the mom buddy bench?“
The Internet allows people to say things “anonymously,” and not to someone’s face. So there’s that. But still, their words have real consequences. If someone attacked me so recklessly as what happened to my friend, I can’t lie that it would make me question myself. It would make me wonder what others thought of me. I’m only human. I’m not a blogger robot who just puts myself out there and shrugs off how people respond.
Just like my mom friend isn’t just some name in an online moms’ group. She’s a person. With feelings! Who cares about her kids so much, that she’s in a frickin’ group devoted to finding ways to parent better! Duh.
So if there’s any takeaway here, other than that online trolls are alive, well, and thriving, it’s that the next time you, or I, or anyone feels the impulse to judge a mom for her parenting decisions, be it online or in person, don’t. Just realize we all make different choices, we all have different situations, and we are all doing the very best we can. Oh, and no one’s perfect. No, not even you, troll.
What judgments do you hear about your status as a working, or stay-at-home mom?
Share herePhotos: Melissa Willets, Thinkstock
Speaking of judgments, here are things SAHMs NEVER do:
Try to give ourselves brain damage and permanent hearing loss.
Will steam to come out of our ears, while wearing sponges as accessories. So chic!
Wear an apron!?!
Fold baby clothes with an expression on our face like we just found out we won $1 million!
Make muffins while talking on a phone from 1997???
Think we’re hot stuff while dusting? "Please, no autographs until I'm done with the mantle."
Set dinner on fire and not let go of the pan.
Hug laundry and gaze out the window forlornly. Please, we do that while sipping wine, at noon, and eating bonbons. With our feet up.
Count doing dishes as a workout.
Wear a chef’s hat. And seriously, what's up with the apron??
Vacuum in heels. ENOUGH WITH THE APRONS!!!
Mix up doing dishes with being in a photo shoot for Vogue.
More posts about being a working or stay-at-home mom:
No, I don’t stay home with my kids for the reasons your think
Eww! The most annoying comment ever about SAHMs
Why I love being a stay-at-home mom more today than ever
