The fantasy of fall, versus the reality looks completely different when you have young kids. So, if you’re rolling your eyes right along with me at all those autumn bucket lists that paint a Pinterest-worthy picture of this time of year, check out this far more attainable version.
Bake a pie. Yeah, right. You’ll never even get a chance to shop for the ingredients. Buy a box of apple cider donuts and call it a day.
Rake leaves. Into piles? Dream on! Because the kids will just jump in the piles, so you’ll have to make them all over again, and again, and again… Wait until snow covers the leaves and you won’t notice them any longer.
Carve a pumpkin. Knives and kids are just a bad combo. So not worth the risk. Markers work to make faces, too.
Pick apples. More like listen to kids whine and complain about picking apples. And how cold/hot/windy/rainy/dark/bright/stinky/boring/loud/quiet it is. Let the kids run around the apple farm instead, and grab a few Granny Smiths in the country store on the way out.
Sample a pumpkin ale. Guzzle it if you get 10 kid-free seconds. I’m begging you. Then order another one.
Get lost in a corn maze. Unless you want to scar your children for life (you sicko), just say no. Show ’em a YouTube video of other kids doing it instead.
Tailgate. More like hope to watch the game on TV, on mute, while you read “Pinkalicious” for the 47th time.
Make chili. The kids won’t eat it, so don’t even bother. Make mac ‘n cheese; it’s yellow, which is totally a fall color.
Make homemade costumes. HAHAHAHA! If it’s not from the cheap Halloween pop-up store, forget it. You won’t have time or energy for that sh*t.
Watch scary movies. With the kids is like asking not to sleep for the next month. Without them? When does that happen? Watching “Shrek” ought to capture the mood.
Begin your holiday shopping. Unless it’s online, at 1:00 A.M. when you’re up feeding the baby anyway, that’s just reaching.
Take a drive to admire the foliage. I mean, you can try. But what was the last time your kids enjoyed a car ride that was longer than 4 minutes? Eight if you packed snacks.
Go to a Halloween party. Guess what? If you haven’t already booked your sitter, it’s a lost cause. Most people thought of that in August, when you were still knee-deep in swim diapers. Reserving the girl down the block for the Christmas party is your best hope now.
Decorate the exterior of the house. Sorry Mr. Scarecrow, but you won’t be seeing the light of day until at least 2020. And those mums that look so pretty in your neighbor’s window box? Admire them from your front stoop and call it a day. Because if you’ll recall, you haven’t even had time to shower in two days, let alone pot things.
Attend a trunk-or-treat. This one might happen. But don’t count on it lasting too long. Once your little one has a few mini-Hershey bars in him, you’d have more luck making it out of that corn maze hive-free, than getting him to stop body checking other kids to get to the minivan giving away the glow sticks.
Think up a creative costume for yourself. You’re going trick-or-treating dressed as a witch or a cat. The sooner you accept reality, the better.
Run a 5k. Get up at 6:30 A.M. voluntarily? Um, yeah. And you’ll totally be signing up to help run the fall book fair at the kids’ school, too. Take a walk around noon while the baby naps and your husband gets his “tailgate” on.
Shop for your fall wardrobe. If yoga pants (from last fall) count, then yeah.
Enjoy a PSL. It’ll be cold by the time you take your third sip. Unless you happen to own a diaper-changing robot. Good thing you have a microwave; just beware of the foam-overflow potential.
Okay, okay, in reality, fall with kids is totally awesome!
But that pie is never gonna happen.
What is your favorite fall activity with kids?
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