My mom died 15 years ago.
One minute I am in shock that it’s been 15 years, in the next I understand that it’s been a long time. My life is different. I am different. I don’t even live in the same place. I don’t even have the same name now that I’m married.
Here’s my mom and I sometime in the late 90’s:
My memories of her are slipping away from me. I can’t remember her voice. I do remember her laugh. I remember her cards, her handwriting, the way she could simultaneously be spontaneous and organized. I remember that I had a great story to tell the kids about that time we went to the movies in a rainstorm, but I can’t remember why the story was special.
I still stumble when people ask me my heritage. I say “my mom IS from Italy” as though she’s still alive, just a phone call or drive away from a hug and a laugh. But she’s not.
My mom died of breast cancer. I think. They think. She died in 2001, just a few weeks after 9/11.
As a woman in my early 30’s it’s time I very seriously consider what I need to do to protect myself and my daughters from cancer. There are so many unanswered questions. Will knowing if I’m BRCA gene positive affect my life? Am I for or against prophylactic mastectomy? What are my options, my responsibilities, my duty for gathering information about my family history and my own genetics?
There are a few things I do know for certain. I won’t miss my annual appointment with my doctor, and I will schedule my mammograms religiously. Early detection can change the outcome and it’s important to remember that.
I keep saying I will go in for genetic testing to find out if I’m BRCA1/BRCA2 positive or not, but I haven’t made that appointment yet. If it’s positive I will know that my future can change in an instant, much like it did for my mom at age 39. If it’s negative I’m not sure I’d find relief because my mom’s cancer had to come from somewhere, right?
I keep saying I’m going to go do it, but then I just… don’t.
What’s the solution? I don’t know. But I do know it’s my responsibility to my girls to find out. I owe it to my daughters. I know that. But I didn’t call today.
