I used to live my life in fear. Correction, I used to live my life avoiding anything hard that would cause fear.
Fear of fear.
For as long as I can remember, I would avoid commitments, joining teams and success because of fear. I would get to about 80 percent of a project and give up. I would sabotage a great opportunity because of how hard the actual work might be. I wouldn’t dare join a team, because people would have to rely on me.
Instead I floated my way through life.
It wasn’t until pregnancy, that I first truly experienced being locked into a commitment that I had to follow through with.
With my first two children I took pregnancy and childbirth by the horns and barreled through with an uncharacteristic absence of fear.
Okay, maybe not a complete absence of fear, but allowed myself to find strength within my fear.
I remember vividly, as I gave birth the first time, turning to my mom, who’s job it was to help coach me push, as my husband and a nurse each held my legs, and said “mom, I’m scared.” She reassured me that I was strong and I could do this.
I did.
After having my first two children something in me shifted. I cared less about what people thought. I spoke up more. I began fallowing my dreams.
I failed over and over again testing out different careers and creating different businesses.
But again, I would only make it most of the way. Maybe 90 percent. But avoid the really hard stuff at the end.
It wasn’t until my twin pregnancy that I truly woke up and stopped self sabotaging.
I’m not sure if it was the terrifying moment that the nurse told me there were two heart beats, the torturous way my body stretched and swelled to accommodate my babies, or giving up all sense of control, dignity and privacy before, during and after my C-section that made me ask myself, “what am I so afraid of?”
A fire was lit inside of me.
After spending months laying on our sofa, pregnant, barely being able to parent our kids. I decided that I wouldn’t waste anymore of my time.
As soon as the dust settled, when my twins were a few months old, my journey began. I found my voice, my tribe and my place in the world.
Even today, as I decide to take on new edeavors, while people around me warn, “it’s going to be hard,” I push through the fear and not let hard work, failing and what people think stop me.
I am thankful for my children for countless reasons. But I also look at them and am thankful for everything it took to bring each one into this world.
To follow our family’s journey head to my personal blog, Nesting Story and Facebook Page. You can also subscribe to our YouTube channel for our family vlogs.
