Recently, we watched Mrs. Doubtfire with our two oldest children. This was a classic from when my husband and I were young, so we were understandably excited to show it to our five and seven-year-old kids. But I don’t think we had quite prepared ourselves for the questions that would follow from our deep-thinkers. “Why were the mommy and daddy so sad?” “Why can’t they get along?”
My husband and I paused the movie and decided to have a long overdue conversation with our kids about different families, and that they are made in many different ways and that is okay. But sometimes a mommy and a daddy decide they would be happier if they lived apart. Then we let them know why it is so important for us to go out for date night each week, to have fun together, to talk and to listen to each other.
When I think back, our marriage, parenthood and us as individuals look completely different now than seven, five, even one year ago. For a long time my husband, Mike, and I thought that being good parents meant living and breathing parenthood, and that our marriage was supposed to take a back seat until the dust settled. Anytime we did something for ourselves, whether it was going out with friends, working out, or getting a sitter for no specific reason, we felt guilty.
Nope, we should be at home reading another book, singing another song, or doing something Pinterest-worthy.
But, unexpected life stresses kept coming like waves. We could barely catch our breaths. For a long time we naively thought that one day the waves would stop crashing and that was when we would focus on ourselves and each other. It wasn’t until we were at the brink. At our breaking point that we were forced make a change.
A year and a half ago, just before my son turned six, he turned to me and asked a question that has changed our world…
“Mommy.” He started. “When I grow up, do I have to get married?”
“No.” I replied. “You can do whatever you want, we just want you to be happy.”
“Okay good!” He said, with a look of relief spreading across his face. “Because I don’t want to have to fight with someone all of the time.”
He might as well have poured a bucket of ice-water over my head.
You see, although we were textbook-parenting well, the rest of our world was imploding. We had stopped taking care of ourselves, we were fighting all of the time, and to be honest, we were miserable and doing a bad job of faking contentment around our kids.
Here we were killing ourselves trying to be perfect parents, not realizing that part of being good parents was setting an example of self-care, nurturing important relationships, following your dreams and not forgetting the importance of experiencing joy, and allowing yourself to be happy.
From that moment on we established date night. Once a week our wonderful babysitter arrives and we leave, not even having plans made. We just go, decompress, have fun and listen to each other.
But getting our marriage to a happier place has taken more than just date night. It has involved each of us following our dreams and finding creative outlets, while the other person has supported and cheered them on. It has involved us each taking better care of ourselves, which has included the other person encouraging them that it’s okay to leave the house to work-out, get a massage, or go out with friends, while they stay home with the kids.
Because the thing is, the dust will never really settle. There will always be a problem to solve, or a crisis to manage. Relying on our relationship’s history isn’t enough. Sometimes taking a step back from parenting not only makes us a good partner, but also a better parent.
Here are some of the stresses that Mike and I have experienced during parenthood, and what we do now for ourselves and each other…
Our first wave of stress, that tested our marriage was even before we were actually parents. Our first child was actually our puppy Kane. He was a beautiful and sweet Newfoundland. But when he was seven-months-old and I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child, he became very sick. After we determined he most likely had a brain tumour, we had to make the difficult decision to put him down. Mike and I dealt with this decision and loss very differently, which was hard on our marriage. You can read more about Kane here.
Immediately following Kane's passing, we found out our baby had a two-vessel cord in utero. This sent a panic into us while we were already fragile. After being sent for many additional tests it was determined that the two-vessel cord was a deformity of his umbilical cord and not a marker for other problems. Not too long after our son Holden arrived, we started to realized that he had some sensory issues, particularly with noise. This made living life outside of our home very difficult. After overcoming a language delay and most of his sensory issues, Holden has finally been diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder and is thriving today. The sheer worry of everything we went through with Holden, sent Mike and I each into mild depressions for a while. You can read more about Holden's earlier obstacles here, and watch a video about Holden's recent diagnosis here.
Quickly after having Holden we had a surprise baby, Beau. Beau has a very happy disposition and was a much-needed breath of fresh air. After having Beau we took a break and then started trying for a third child. We ended up experiencing a year of secondary infertility, along with two early pregnancy losses before finally finding out we were expecting twins! Although excited, my twin pregnancy was extremely stressful for us. Being parents to twins has been very fun, but a lot of work and has it's intense moments. You can read all about my twin pregnancy, and journey here.
It was as we were approaching our twins' first birthday that Mike and I hit our breaking point. We were at war with each other and had to make some big decisions. One of them was starting date night. Every Thursday evening we head out the door and remember why we fell in love before kids. It has taken a lot of work, still does, and will continue to, but our marriage is in a much better place today. We don't take it for granted anymore and know that it will always require a lot of attention, love, patience, listening and communicating. You can read more about why we started dating again here.
After establishing date night, we realized that each of us needed to focus more on our health, to be happier in general. Although I had been focused on my health since having my twins, I have stepped it up recently. But it was Mike that made the biggest changes. In the seven years since we became parents he had packed on 50 pounds. Mike is very tall, so that extra weight was making him very unhealthy. He had sleep apnea, had to have his gallbladder removed, and had back pain. Since early 2016, Mike has lost all of the weight and doesn't snore, has resolved his digestive issues and his back pain. I am always encouraging him to go get out and to the gym, which I know makes him so happy. I think for Mike this has been the biggest change. Him taking that time has had a ripple effect with his parenting too. He is more active with the kids, biking, swimming and playing sports. You can read about my body after baby journey here, and Mike's journey here.
Since having kids, both of us have rediscovered ourselves. I have found my passion with sharing my story through blogging and YouTube, and through this, Mike has found his love for photography and cinematography. He's really good at it too! These new creative outlets have not only given us each an outlet, but has created a project that we get to work on as a team and involve the whole family.
You can follow more of our family’s journey on my personal blog, Nesting Story and with our vlogs on our YouTube channel and on Facebook.
