Lazy mom’s guide to phoning it in until the last day of school

It’s 6 o’clock in the morning and my eyes flutter open. Within seconds, a familiar pit of dread has settled itself unwelcomely in my stomach. Another school day. I. Am. So. Done. With. This. Shit.

With that unpleasant reality in mind, I present you with the lazy mom’s guide to phoning it in until at last, this never-ending school year is finally over. Because if I have to make one more perfectly balanced, nutritious and nut-free lunch, I’m gong to spew my reheated coffee all over the homework my daughter didn’t finish last night.

You with me? Read on.

Step 1: Gather all the change in your house, from under couch cushions, in the dryer, your husband’s pants pockets, and yes, shamefully, your kids’ piggy banks. That is school lunch until the bus makes it’s final stop on the last day.

Step 2: Consider your allotted bus pick-up time in the morning as a mere suggestion of when your child should be ready for school. Should you not make it, no worries. You have a car, and hey, there’s a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through on the way home. Bonus!

Step 3: Consider a cough in the evening a blessing. Because now you have an excuse to sleep in the next morning, and drive your kid to school whenever you feel like it. She was sick. (Click here to read about what 9 common kids’ illnesses should really be called).

Step 4: Feel free to “misplace” any extraneous permission slips, book fair order forms, or spirit week calendars for the next few weeks. You’ve done your time. Enough already. So what if your child is the only one in her class without a box top or canned good? It’s no illegal to be uncharitable in May and June.

Step 5: Do laundry half as often as you have been for the rest of the school year. As long as your child has clean underwear, DYFS isn’t going to show up on your door step. (Click here to read about how one mom of 6 was slammed for her ingenious $400 laundry room).

Step 6: Start demanding that your kid does her own homework. It’s to help foster her independence, and further prepare her for next year, A.K.A. you just can’t muster another night of feigning interest in word problems about Zoe’s button collection.

Step 7: Never feel guilty for serving your kids pizza for dinner. Do you understand me? That won’t be tolerated among the lazy moms.

Step 8: Put your kids to bed early while you still can. Soon they’ll know it’s summer and won’t fall for your insistence they need to get a good night’s sleep. Sure the sun is still up. Not when you get black-out shades in their bedrooms, it isn’t. (Click here to read about what kids think parents do after they go to bed).

Step 9: Do not fall for any pleas for new school supplies or clothes. They’ve had a good run, but a fresh box of crayons for 10 days? Use the stubs, kids.

Step 10: Don’t over-commit to after-school activities. Playdates can wait until summer. Softball practice? Um, don’t you have that summer vacation to shop for? Girl scouts? You sold the damn cookies. Puh-lease! There’s no reason to make this awkward, but your child has enough badges, so you out!

Step 11: One word girl moms: ponytails. (Click here for braided styles for the more ambitious moms).

Hang in there, lazy moms!

Any other tips you can add to this lazy mom’s guide to phoning it in until the end of summer?

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Photos: Melissa Willets and Flickr

What kids think we do while they’re at school: