So I’m standing in the shower, and I’m crying. Gah, I’m not even 100 percent sure why, but I know it has something to do with the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been dealing with all day. Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant? It’s too soon to tell. And it hurts.
It hurts so bad because the answer has been “no” so many times. I’m bracing for the “no.” I am all to familiar with how it feels. Getting my hopes up, reading into every little symptom. My boobs hurt! I’m pregnant! But then I’m not.
Now in the shower, I look down and see they’re all veiny. Surely I’m pregnant. I’ve thought that before, though. I’ve been so darn sure. Then I look down, and see the minus sign. My heart drops. The tears fall automatically. I’m crushed.
My husband says all the right things.
“When it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”
“Our little angel is still waiting up in heaven for us.”
“It’ll happen for us. I know it will.”
Still, warm tears fall onto my pillow for hours after he falls asleep. I feel empty. Hopeless.
And then, a new month arrives, full of opportunity! We try again! Maybe this time. We’ll just try later, more.
Back in the shower, I glance at my tummy. Is it just me, or does it look fuller? Or could that be aging? I’m not that old, but I don’t have the flat stomach of the 28-year-old I see in my honeymoon photos. Back when I ate meals in a bikini, so unselfconsciously, not even sucking in, or attempting to sit up so straight, my spine might snap, like I do now. Even in my cover-up.
To be fair, I have had three kids. So that explains the tummy. And it also makes me feel selfish to want another baby. I’ve had my blessings, right? I’m so, so lucky. I know that. Each night when I tuck my children into bed, and kiss their soft, sweet-smelling hair, I know that. When I see their hopeful eyes look up at me, so full of pure love and excitement for what the next day holds, I know that.
As the warm water falls onto my shoulders, and beads down my body, my hands cradle my belly. Hello? Anyone in there? Are you the reason I’ve been feeling so moody? Are you the reason I woke up with a headache? Or am I talking to an empty uterus? Sigh.
Maybe no one’s in there. Maybe my exhaustion and irritability is the result of having three kids being home for the summer, and this heat! Maybe I’m getting my period. Probably. Yeah, that’s probably it.
I’ll know in a few days. Until then, I’ll read into every little thing. I oddly wanted cucumbers on my salad tonight. I’m pregnant! My sinuses feel stuffy. I’m pregnant!
It’s just that kind of thinking that makes the fall so hard when the answer is, predictably, “no” again. Unless this time is different…
How do you feel waiting to find out if you’re pregnant?
Share herePhoto: Melissa Willets
