7 dos and don’ts for talking with adoptive parents

After helping care for 14 babies as they waited for their forever homes, “AfroDaddy” Terence Mentor became a father via adoption. A few short months later, he found out his wife was pregnant! Today, as the father of two boys who look practically nothing alike, he’s working on helping others understand how to talk with adoptive parents.

Check out one of Terence’s recent videos on the subject:

Via email, Terence was kind enough to answer a few questions for BabyCenter from his home in South Africa.

You welcomed a biological child, correct? Do you get questions asking if your boys are “real” siblings or strangers inquiring about them? If so, how do you handle it?

Terence: Yep, a few months after my eldest’s adoption was processed, we discovered that our second son was on the way! He is now almost a big one year old. The two of them don’t look like brothers at all, until you see them interact with each other. They alternate between laughing and fighting with each other in a way that only brothers can!

We live in a fairly polite society – so strangers generally don’t come right at us with questions. But we do enjoy the first reactions people give when they see us walking with them in the double stroller!

I kind of understand that reaction, in a way. After all, the four of us look pretty different from each other (except my youngest, who is almost a clone of his mom) so the sight of us really isn’t something people are used to.

One thing we did try to do is gently and lovingly educate our friends and family about the language they use when referring to the boys. Words like “real child” or “real brothers” were replaced with “youngest child” and “brothers.”

Do people ask about your first child’s biological parents or how he was placed for adoption? How do you feel about those kinds of questions?

Terence: People do want to know my oldest son’s story – mostly because adoption is still not as widespread and normalized as it should be! When answering their questions, I try to keep 2 things in mind:

First, My son’s story is just that: his. He should have the right to tell, or not tell, his story to whomever and however he chooses when he is older. So by giving all the details to anyone who wants to know, I would be taking that away from him.

Second, I want people to be encouraged by our story! If more people can be better educated about the reality of adoption, then that’s a win my book!

So those two tensions are always at play. Generally, it means that I usually tell my side of the story e.g. Why I chose to adopt, what the process was like, what were my fears and hopes during the whole thing.

What is hard for adoptive parents to go through that other parents might not realize?

1. Transracial adoptive parents who see people touch their children’s hair. Just don’t do it.

2. Asking us about our fertility eg “Oh, couldn’t you have one of your own?” Whatever the answer is, we don’t want to talk to you about it.

3. Also, using words like “Your own” in reference to biological children. This kid whose bum I wipe at 3am is mine, buddy.

4. Don’t assume that my story is the same as your friend who also adopted. Adoptions are complex, and chances are that one family would have had a very different experience from another.

5. Don’t call us heroes or saints! I’m not saying this to be humble. Calling us those things might seem like a compliment, but it devalues our children. It’s a privilege to be a parent.

6. Companies who don’t give adoptive parents paternity or maternity leave. No, there wasn’t a birth. But there was a period of emotional highs and lows, not to mention the massive changes that families have to adapt to. Adoptive parents need time to adjust too!

7. Again for transracial families – when people don’t check their privilege and prejudice at the door. Yes, my son is black. But that doesn’t mean that you can call him a gangster, especially since you wouldn’t call any other 2 year old that. A note on this: don’t get offended or defensive when a member of a transracial family points out an error in your language – just take it in, and change. Trust me, they will LOVE you for it.

A look back at Terence’s family, before baby two joined the world:

What advice do you have for people who are curious, and have good intentions, but don’t want to offend adoptive parents?

Terence: It is totally appropriate to ask questions. Pretty much every adoptive parent I know is ready and willing to answer as many questions as they can – they want to get adoption out there as much as possible.

That being said, try not to blind side them with a flurry of questions on the street, especially if you don’t know them!

The best option is to find a family that you know, and tell them that you are interested about adoption and would like to sit down with them to talk about it. When you do, tell them right off the bat that you understand that there might be things that they are not comfortable talking about or telling you, and that that is fine.

Many thanks to Terence for taking the time to chat with us about his lovely family. Be sure to check below for how to follow him on social media!

What kinds of questions and comments does your family get while out and about?

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Photo shared with permission from “AfroDaddy” Terence Mentor, whom you can connect with on Twitter, Facebook and Youtube.