I have been spending a lot of time lately with two people who don’t treat me that well. They are terrible listeners, don’t really consider my feelings, and well, when I really think about it, they are borderline abusive.
You may think to yourself, “why are you putting up with these people?” The thing is, I have no choice but to spend a lot of time with them because they are my twin toddlers.
We are just weeks away from my twins, Mia and Everly, turning two, and we are in the belly of the beast. About six weeks ago, there was a shift and I knew… we were entering the dreaded terrible twos.
This isn’t my first time going through this notoriously difficult stage. Actually it’s not even my second. This will be my third time around… and this time I am ready.
My first child, my son Holden, pretty much hated the world for the first few years of his life. But as he learned to speak, communicate and regulate himself, he turned into the sweetest child. Unfortunately that wonderful transformation happened after I tried to weather the terrible twos storm without a plan, and ended up sending myself into a mild depression and an anxious state.
After a lot of work on myself and after putting better safe-guards in place, I made sure that I wouldn’t have a repeat the second time around. Although my daughter was nicknamed Beau The Destructor for a reason, I was able to protect myself enough to survive her terrible twos unscathed.
This time around is very different, because it is times two. Twins.
Honestly, I thought when we rounded the corner at 18months, I had completed the most difficult twin-years. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I am so wrong.
One of my toddlers could be having a great day, but most likely, her sister will be off, which means I rarely get a break from the madness. My days are mostly filled with screaming, fighting, clinging, hitting, crying, demanding and the occasional stink-eye as my daughter dumps her bowl of cheerios out right in front of me.
There are many days that my nerves are very thin. But this is what I am doing to keep myself from spiralling down that dark hole of depression and anxiety again… 
1. I won't set us up for failure. There are different extremes when it comes to the terrible twos. Some kids just get a little more stubborn, while others seem like they are on a mission to kick, spit and destroy. My girls fall somewhere in between. But I am going to head into this phase being mindful about what kind of situations I am putting us in. Are we going to someone's house where there is a lot of breakable items within arms reach, which means my toddler cannot have any freedom? Has the person I am about to spend time with experienced the terrible twos, and will that person support us, or judge us? Am I trying to fit too many outings into the day that could make my child over-tired and magnify their emotions? These are all questions I ask myself before venturing out.
2. I will try my best not to yell, but take yelling as a cue that I am close to my breaking point. Every day, as I parent my four kids, I try my very best not to yell. But, I would be a liar if I said I don't yell. I'll take deep breaths, I'll try to use redirection, I will comfort, I will set an example. Then a yell slips out of my mouth, almost without me realizing it... "Mia, stop trying to grab dishes of the counter!" "Everly, no hitting!" Although the occasional yell might escape, I am going to catch myself before it becomes too much of a habit, and feel too natural. Even if it means I lock my girls in their highchairs with the TV on for a couple minutes while I leave the room and compose myself.
3. I will take breaks. Currently my almost two-year-olds have colds. This means that their terrible-two behaviour is magnified. This also means that my husband and I have not had much sleep. We are both fried and we are very aware that we can't keep going at this pace. So, before the bickering sets in, we are actively scheduling our breaks. For example, my husband is doing bedtimes while I get out for dinner with some friends this evening. I am taking the night shift, incase anyone wakes up crying and my husband can catch up on some sleep. We have also scheduled a babysitter for tomorrow evening so that together as a couple we can get out and experience a little fun before heading back into the trenches. These breaks each hit the reset button for us and help fill our emotional buckets so that we can have enough patience to face the next day.
4. I am constantly reminding myself that this stage won't last forever. I think one of the things that made it the hardest to survive toddler-hood the first time around was that it felt like this is it, this is my life forever now. But once you actually experience going through it, getting on the other side and seeing that it doesn't last forever, you have much more perspective the next time around. Yes, every stage will bring its own set of challenges, and most of parenthood is problem solving, but getting past the non-communicating, temper tantrum stage is pretty sweet.
5. I treat myself. I have a lot on my plate everyday. I care for four kids and run my own business. Somewhere in between I am grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, spending time with my husband and barely taking care of myself. On the weeks that I find particularly trying, I think of a small way that I can treat myself in between the chaos. This may include buying myself a mid-morning coffee and magazine, or picking up some lunch and fresh flowers. These simple pleasures are just enough to keep me going through yet another temper tantrum.
In the end I am not only doing all of these things for myself, but my toddlers too. I am not an expert, but I imagine the terrible twos feeling like a wicked case of PMS, only you are not verbal enough to properly inform the people around you what you need and how you feel. What my girls need is a mom that has enough patience and emotional energy to be there for them. To give extra cuddles, and try to understand as best I can what they need, or to just hold them when they don't even know themselves. My girls need a mom who has taken care of herself, so that she doesn't lose her cool.
You can follow our family of six’s journey on my personal Blog, Nesting Story. You can also find us on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube.
